


I never wanted any other way to spend our lives

by det395



Category: Phandom/The Fantastic Foursome (YouTube RPF)
Genre: Bants, M/M, Nudity, Quarantine, Stripping, a lot of penis talk, alternate title: the gaming video we deserve (not)
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-05-09
Updated: 2020-05-09
Packaged: 2021-03-02 19:41:22
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,519
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/24092254
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/det395/pseuds/det395
Summary: Phil decides to spice up their Mario Kart race for a distraction in quarantine
Relationships: Dan Howell/Phil Lester
Comments: 24
Kudos: 103
Collections: Alittledizzy birthday fics 2020





	I never wanted any other way to spend our lives

**Author's Note:**

  * For [alittledizzy (dizzy)](https://archiveofourown.org/users/dizzy/gifts).



> Happy birthday dizzy!! ❤️❤️  
> And thank you jude for beta-ing ❤️  
> Title from "One More Year" by Tame Impala

“Maybe I’ll distract you with my raw sex appeal,” Phil says. He hears a slapping noise and Phil knows it's Dan’s palm against his face.

“Why—Okay. Let me get this straight,” Dan says, lifting up a finger to count.

“Shush, let’s just—”

“First you want me to play with the worst car ever. Then with only one hand. Then my feet. Then with distractions moving in front of my face. _Then_ you tickled me, then…”

“Okay, I get it.”

Dan puts his hand on Phil’s shoulder and tries not to laugh. “Listen. I think this is a problem of _your_ self-esteem. You’re good at Mario Kart, alright? I’m just better, and that’s okay.”

“Actually,” Phil puts a finger up in front of his face, “I’m helping _you._ ”

“Uh-huh.”

“You’ve gotten a little slow this quarantine, I think you need something to get those gears grinding.” Phil pokes his ear.

“Is that why I beat you those times? What does that say about you?” Dan challenges.

Phil’s mouth twitches as he searches his mind for a comeback.

“You put so much effort into distracting me that you can’t even play, Phil. Now, what? You think you can beat me by kissing my neck? Look at your face! That was totally your plan, you’re so predictable.”

“No, I have a much better idea.” He looks Dan up and down and chews on his lip until his eyes widen. He slaps Dan’s shoulder once. “Strip Mario Kart.”

“No offence, but I’ve been looking at your dong for a decade. It’s just not that exciting anymore.” Dan shrugs.

“This dong gets you excited every day,” Phil says.

“I can think of more exciting contexts than trying to game with it just there, staring up at me.”

“We’ll see how irresistible this dong is.”

Phil pulls the controller up to his chest and leans forward to focus. He spends an excitingly long while in first place before he gets hit with lightning and can’t catch up to Dan again for the remainder of the two laps. 

He groans and collapses back on the couch. “This is so annoying.”

“Okay, strip tease Mr. Sex Appeal?” Dan says, wiggling his eyebrows. 

Phil yanks off his sweatshirt and throws Dan’s 'Don't Talk To Me' merch on the floor. It hits him that he’s not wearing much at all, only some gray shorts and socks.

They start another round and Phil starts out by messing up his boost. 

“Shit!” 

“Your nipples next to me really are distracting, oh dear, I don’t know how I’m going to handle this relaxing drive.”

“Shut up!” Phil’s own laughter makes his kart sway back and forth.

Dan chuckles. “Oh, look at this lovely drive along the coast, this is so relaxing and scenic over here, I only wish I had some sort of a challenge up here.”

“Stop.”

He feels a bit of frustration seep into his chest as he uses three mushrooms and flies right off a cliff.

The loud laughter next to him hurts his ear. Phil stands up and plops back down on Dan’s lap, eliciting a loud laugh.

“What are you doing!”

“Distracting you.” He looks back at Dan for a second.

His head tilts upward and he cackles, eyes scrunching up. Phil thinks about slapping him for a moment.

“Watch the screen, doofus, you’re going to fall further behind!” Dan says.

Phil turns his eyes back quickly.

“Okay,” Dan says, straightening out his own kart back on the track. “A lap dance from you is some great entertainment. While I take this lovely drive.”

“I’m not going to dance, I’m going to beat you at bloody Mario Kart.” Phil leans back against Dan’s chest, feeling the controller press into his spine. Dan only laughs more. 

“You want to give me roadhead next time?”

“I’ll give your mum—wait, no.”  
  


Dan ignores him. “You’re just trying to block my view! That’s not fair. I have no room to even hold my controller! Lean forward.”

Phil does lean forward with an angry grunt. 

Phil does his best to balance on Dan’s thighs, leaning sneakily in and out of Dan’s line of view until he gets a controller whacking his shoulder blade. He chokes out a laugh and then falls off a cliff again, shouting obscenities and falling even further behind Dan until he ultimately loses.

He looks over his shoulder and is met with a challenging gaze from Dan.

“I’m really going to try next time,” Phil says. 

“Yeah, you do that.” 

“That one didn’t count.”

“Yes, it does! You shit.” Dan pulls Phil’s waistband and lets it smack back. Phil grumbles and pulls off a sock instead.

“Lame.”

“Don’t get too distracted by all this skin,” Phil shakes his hips. Dan laughs again, scrunching up his eyes.

“As your sexual partner, this is really insulting,” Phil looks back at him over his shoulder.

“Just start the bloody level!”

Phil starts up another level and gets comfortable and stares forward in concentration. It’s Cloudtop Cruise, he loves this course and he can do it.

That is, until he misses Dan with his shell then gets caught in a clusterfuck and falls behind.

“Fuck!”

“Oh, Phil… that’s too bad,” Dan says, sounding the least bit pitiful.

“Shut up!”

He tries his best and fires all his items but only comes in fourth behind Dan again. So mediocre, so frustrating.

Dan laughs in his ear and pokes his back. “Oh, Phil, maybe you’re just distracting yourself sitting on the king of Mario Kart’s lap.”

Phil pouts, losing an ounce of his competitive drive. He slouches. “I’m so bad, it’s embarrassing.”

He feels a nip on the back of his shoulder, the kind that leaves a bit more wetness behind than necessary.

“Don’t think you’re getting out of strip Mario Kart now,” Dan says, leaning a bit closer. It’s enough to loosen Phil up.

His last sock could save him for another round, make the game a bit more dramatic. He considers it for just a moment, but stands up and pushes on the waistband of his shorts until they fall to the floor. 

Dan is uncharacteristically silent as Phil settles back on his lap. The fabric of Dan’s pants are soft against his ass, and it really doesn’t feel like much between them. He shuffles back as far as he can go and smiles smugly.

“Well?” Dan says.

Phil looks behind him with a smirk. “Yes?”

“Are you going to start the level?” Dan raises his eyebrows.

“Shut up.” Phil feels air hit the back of his neck when Dan huffs out silent laughter.

He chooses Jungle and promises himself he’s not going to bant this round. It’s time to prove something. And he’s not going to prove that feeling Dan’s dick under his butt is indeed a distraction.

Dan eventually gets hit with a blue shell and lets out a shriek that hurts Phil’s ear.

“Looks like someone’s a little distracted,” Phil says, wiggling around.

“Phil, you have nothing to prove. I have superior skills and focus and it’s not an insult against your butt.”

“That’s not what I feel.” Phil wiggles and then has to quickly get his own kart back on the road.

“My body is only human, but my mind is only Mario Kart, I assure you,” Dan says.

“I can feel your dick _in_ my ass right now, Dan.”

“Don’t say that, oh my fuck!” Dan screams again and Phil revels in seeing the mess of accidents on his half of the screen. Phil goes quiet, for real now, and perfectly shoots a banana into the computer player ahead of him.

“Oh, I can taste it now,” Phil says. He leans forward, his heart racing and his hands trembling ever so slightly, and after the tension of the last lap, he passes over the finish first.

  
“Yes!” He puts his fist in the air and jumps up and down.

“Phil, Phil, Phil, stop.” Dan chokes on his laughter and tries to hold Phil’s hips still with one hand, but his kart falls even further behind at the last minute.

“Fuck! That’s so not fair,” Dan yells and whacks Phil on the head with his controller.

“Ow! You’re such a sore loser.” Phil falls to the side on the couch so he can start yanking his purple hoodie Dan had stolen from him over Dan’s head. He becomes much more aware of all his nakedness as he sprawls against the rough fabric.

“That was luck, alright?” Dan says, letting out a strangled noise as the hoodie gets stuck over his head.

“Nuh-uh, I can win easy now. You’re not going to even make it to the end.”

“I’m still beating you!”  
  


“I’m winning at something,” Phil eyes the tent in Dan’s pants. 

Dan’s voice goes suddenly softer. “I suppose you win the feat of making today better.” 

His wicked smile fades ever so slightly before he presses a kiss to the underside of Phil’s jaw, but it quickly turns into a nasty bite before he turns back to the television with a challenge in his eye.

**Author's Note:**

> [Tumblr link](https://det395.tumblr.com/post/617649720225087488/i-never-wanted-any-other-way-to-spend-our-lives)


End file.
